Monday, May 3, 2010

Training Day.

Here is a small sampling of the people who were riding in the same car as me on the PATH train between NYC and Harrison, NJ on 5-2-10 between 12:30 and 1:30 AM:

- A drunk girl who was standing on the platform, leaning against the train, and throwing up. When the conductor warned her that the train was about to move and that she should get inside, the girl's friend, who happened to be so flamboyant that I half-expected him to start singing showtunes, proceeded to yell at the conductor for being, and I quote, "a nasty bitch". Another passenger - bless her heart - tried to reason with him that the conductor was just looking out for her safety, but the friend just kept ranting and raving about it. Meanwhile, the girl passed out. Looking back, they may have actually ended up on the "relatively sane" side of the median....

- A 42-year-old man (I know this because he kept saying it, along with the fact that he is often mistaken for a teenager, which was an outright lie). If you're a bouncer, and you have ever carded this man, you really need to find a new line of work. Anyway, he suddenly pipes up and, like most crazy folks tend to do, TALKS LIKE THIS SO EVERYBODY CAN HEAR ALL THE IMPORTANT STUFF THEY HAVE TO SAY. THIS PARTICULAR GUY WAS MENTIONING TO ANYONE WITHIN EARSHOT (i.e., everybody) THAT HE KNOWS MUSIC HISTORY - BECAUSE HE'S 42 - AND CAN TELL US MORE ABOUT MUSIC THAN WE'LL EVER KNOW, INCLUDING GUYS LIKE PETER CETERA...

Wait. Peter Cetera? From Chicago? What?!?

Here's a tip: if you're going to make a point about all the artists you know, please try and pick one that's not in the adult contemporary genre. Because any artist you can list in the same breath as Yanni and John Tesh is not exactly going to win over a huge crowd of converts. EVEN IF YOU'RE 42 YEARS OLD.

- A girl wearing a Hartford Whalers cap. Not really anything weird about her; in fact, she was kinda cute. I just thought it was worth mentioning that she immediately earned my respect just by wearing a hat. Thank God she didn't start humming this, though; God only knows what I would've done... (Hey, that's not funny...)

- Another drunk girl (there seems to be a pattern developing...) who was wearing a low-cut dress; so low-cut, in fact, that she had a breast completely exposed and clearly didn't notice. Now, I don't know a lot of things (short-selling FTW!), but one thing I do know is that there is not one tactful way for a man to kindly suggest to a girl that she might wish to cover herself up. Particularly when her very muscular, tattooed boyfriend is sitting right next to her.... Also, this girl was carrying an iPod that should've just been called Obsessed (i.e., nothing but Beyonce - I'm pretty sure only five people would get that joke, and only one or two of them will ever see this blog....). Anyway, when the song "Single Ladies" came on, one of her friends - a guy - started doing the dance in the video, which of course, led to me trying to stifle my laughter, because I get the sense they would've beaten the shit out of me if they caught me. Check that, I KNOW they'd have whooped my ass.

Oh, and going off on a tangent, what on Earth was Kanye thinking when he said "Single Ladies" was the best video ever? Isn't it just Beyonce and two other girls dancing? Has the man not seen anything Michael Jackson put forth? Damn, Kanye, I know you're trying to kiss Jay-Z's ass all the time, but seriously, can you be any less of a douche? Well, according to this scientifically proven diagram:

Yes, apparently you can be much less of a douche.


- And finally, the highlight of the night, as the train pulled into the Pavonia station, there were three hot girls (yes, drunk) on the platform who were, I swear to God, having a wet T-shirt contest. Now, I'm sure that somewhere in the back of my mind, there was a part of me preparing an eloquent sermon on the downfall of Western Civilization, but as a guy, I couldn't help but watch speechlessly, because quite frankly, that's not an everyday occurrence (unless you live in Cancun). The part I'm still trying to figure out is how that brain trust settled on this particular location. I imagine the convo went something like this:

DRUNK GIRL 1: I'm bored, and sooooooooo drunk. You know what we should do? Have a wet T-shirt contest!
DRUNK GIRL 2: Yeah! But where?
DRUNK GIRL 3: How about the subway station?
DRUNK GIRLS (in unison): YEAH!!!!!

Sadly, the last two stops were anti-climactic as all the fun people had already departed. Still, as I got off the train (and flipped off Red Bull Arena), I recalled the last hour and came to one simple conclusion:

I love this train...

No, not that one.

Nor that.

Close, but not quite.

There we go.

And now that I've sufficiently used up my hyperlink quotient for today, I'm out.