Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Allow me to reintroduce myself....

Hello, stranger. I'm sure there's a perfectly logical explanation for your arrival upon this little pothole in the information superhighway... hold it - does anyone still call it the information superhighway anymore? No? Great, my first paragraph on my new blog and I'm already dating myself. Let's try this again...

Hello, stranger... wait, that doesn't work either, does it? Chances are, the only people who are going to see this are my family and my friends on Facebook, and even with that, I'd still venture to guess that no more than a few dozen could really be bothered to check it out, what with Farmville and Mafia Wars being such wholesome and constructive ways to annihilate your day and social life... Who comes up with some of these applications, and why do they feel that every achievement a person earns for clicking something over and over should be proclaimed for all the world to see, all the while offering up our personal information to the greedy corporate overlords who wish to make us fat and lazy and stuff giant-ass cheeseburgers and pie down our throats so we have to pay them more money to buy the XXXL Nike shorts, which were made in Malaysia by a 6-year-old orphan named Tsu, who gets a rice ball as his base salary and... wait, where the hell was I?

Oh, right... my introduction, just on the infinitesimally small chance that a stranger who's looking for has a small mental hiccup and winds up on my blog instead (the poor bastard....). I'm John, a 26-year-old Rhode Island ex-pat currently living in the wilderness of New Jersey (don't laugh... have you seen Paterson lately???). I'm a Leo (lies), I like long walks on the beach (more lies), I am an amazing lover (blew up the polygraph), and I'm currently single (sadly and perpetually true).

All my life I'd been regarded as a smart cookie; maybe not always the brightest kid out there, but if you find yourself one day being beaten up by a madman who keeps asking you between kidney-punches what the capital of Slovenia is, it'd be wise to have my number on speed dial. And for what it's worth, that totally happened to this guy I know, so you've been warned. Essentially, I have a pretty decent memory in regards to history, culture, sports, and most pop culture. But I've never really been able to do much with it, other than try out for game shows ("Millionaire" rejected me because I didn't have enough personality for their show... I bet you're starting to regret clicking your way over here now, aren't you?). But recent events have bestowed upon me two things: 1) enough money to buy my own computer, and 2) free time during the weekdays. Sure, it kills the little chance of a social life that I had left, but hey, if you've gotten this far, that doesn't say much about your social life either, now does it? Ha, that's right! Eat it! Sorry, that was uncalled for.

Ultimately, this is a blog where I can spout off about all sorts of nonsense. Some of you may actually find it entertaining, even. But if there's anything you want me to talk about, feel free to drop me a line. I've been thinking of coming up with top ten lists, so if you have ideas, pitch them (e.g. "Best Jackie Chan films", "Bands that should have stopped releasing crappy music years ago", etc.). In any event, thanks for stopping by, folks. Hope to see you around here soon.

-John (aka Ciolf)

Oh. And it's Ljubljana. You can thank me later.